I wanted to share my feelings about my miscarriage that happened almost two years ago. So if you want to keep reading be my guest, it does get a little personal though, but I want to be able to help anyone that this might have happened to as well. It is sad and I don't wish this on anyone. But I think it is a process that I should go through not only to help me but to help others as well. Heck maybe I'll start blogging again..
I have been feeling the need to document what happened with our family and my emotions when I miscarried our baby at 19 weeks. It happened almost two years ago. I really miss that baby, I see others babies that would be around the same age as ours had the baby lived and get sad sometimes even a little jealous.
I was actually going to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl at an ultrasound and of course Kirk had to work so he couldn’t be there but I just wanted to find out and never expected anything like this to happen. So I went alone expecting joyous news. The technician looked a little alarmed and said she had to go and consult with someone else and then came back and confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I know I was in shock. It took a minute for my mind to wrap around it and then I started to cry, I called Kirk and then my dad and of course I had to speak with my doctor and he said I needed to get the baby out but I could wait a few days or go in that day but they weren’t sure how long the process was going to take because they would have to induce me.
It seemed like a big blurr really. Kirk and his dad gave me a blessing before we went to the hospital and while they did I heard a little voice in my head saying “Mommy, I’m okay.” We got to the hospital and they were so kind, we had to go to labor and delivery, they put an angel on the door to make sure the nurses didn’t come in all bubbly and excited as if we had a baby in our arms. President Free had heard what had happened and came to the room. He was so thoughtful and actually gave Kirk a blessing of comfort. I slept for a little while and while I slept I dreamed about a little girl at the end of my bed about the same size as Kaylee is now and she was wearing a dress and I think a hat too. I think Heavenly Father was comforting me. It only took a little while after they induced me to actually deliver the baby, I think it was less than a pound and was seriously the easiest delivery ever; I didn’t even have to push. Once the baby was out the nurse looked to see if she could tell if it was a boy or a girl and she thought that it was a girl. The baby was about the size of my open palm and must have died a week or two before, I’m not going to describe her but she didn’t fully look like a baby and the grey color did not help. Her head was swollen and the umbilical cord had wrapped around the right arm and the neck I think. That could have been the reason of her death but all the tests came back undetermined.
At the time of delivery I was okay that the baby had died and that we weren’t ready for that little spirit yet. I thought that I was ok and when we got home I was fine for about a week. Then my emotions started kicking into gear and if I wasn’t busy doing something I had time to think. During naptime was the worst because I was all alone with my thoughts and I would just cry and cry. I didn’t want to share my feelings, which in retrospect was not good, I should have shared my feelings. I even remember a night when Kirk had come home late from work right after he started working again and asked me what was wrong, I wouldn’t even talk with him and my mom called right around that time and I just lost it sobbing uncontrollably.
My hormones finally got back in line probably about a month or so after the ordeal had happened, but it was hard around the time that the baby should have been born and also on the anniversary of her delivery. I think back and I miss her and I know Kirk misses her too. The hospital gave us a little care package that included little angel bears, the baby’s foot prints, little booties and some little blankets. The kids actually found it a little while ago and placed the footprints on a shelve in the living room which completely shocked me one day as I looked up and saw them. They understand a lot at such a young age and I am so grateful for the children I do have.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get pregnant again because we have no idea what had really happened or how we could have prevented it from happening again. We tried for awhile and when nothing happened I thought that I was only suppose to have the 3 I already have. I was ok with that but at the same time I didn’t get to have a baby after all that morning sickness it wasn’t fair. I have only wanted four children at two years apart and now the plan was changed.
Well I am happy to say we are finally pregnant again, super nervous though. Kirk won’t let me pick up the kids, can’t give them horsey rides up the stairs. Kaylee will be 4 by the time this baby should be born, Reagan will be 5 ½ and Will will be 8. It’s not the cookie cutter family that I wanted in regards to their ages but I’ll take it.
I was able to be there for my sister in law when she had a miscarriage and also my sister more recently. It is a horrible ordeal that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy but I am glad that I can be there for people who have to go through this. It is not fun to go through alone….
